April Fools

Sorry about that last post. Speaking of last posts, this will actually be the last post of DailyTurnONBlog. Due to time constraints, we simply cannot continue to publish this blog. It has been an incredible honor and we really appreciate everyone's support. We truly hope everyone continues to produce creative projects, from short stories to video projects and feel free to look back on previous posts with pride and joy.

We regret having to conclude this blog on such a lackluster note but difficult choices had to be made and we would rather enjoy what we have worked together to produce rather than risk the quality of future posts.

We love you all and please continue to create.

- DailyTurnONBlog

WOOOO!!!! WELCOME BACK!!!!

HEY EVERYBODY!!!! DAILY TURNON BLOG IS BACK!!!

We're back, baby, and we're psyched to get started on some awesome segments. We took a few weeks off to build up some creative projects and, as you can see by glancing to the right, we've made a few changes to the schedule.

What Lead To That Wednesdays- A perfect chance for our readers to interact with the blog: we will post up a quick video clip and you tell us what event, dialogue or scenario lead up to the clip. It'll be fun, we promise.

Top Five Friday- So we changed Top Five Fridays into a video blog so you can watch the list instead of having to scan it with your eyes!

Saturday Sound- No more of that musical guitar bullsh*t, SS is going to be interviews and audio book readings from now on. Be prepared.

This renovated schedule is due to change by next month. We have A LOT of exciting stuff planned, including a lot more video projects.

And if YOU ever want to post anything, send an email to Omar at Omar.Najam@gmail.com and your creativity will be posted up as soon as possible. Unless your name is Evan, in which case, we're sorry because we told you that your comic would go up but... it never actually got posted and... we promise it'll be up in less than a fortnight.

All the cool funness starts again tomorrow so enjoy your April foolishness and we'll see you all tomorrow!

And on a very vulnerable note, thank you for reading the blog, it means a lot to us. Enjoy.

(an early) Saturday Sound: Arbor Guitar Tracks

This Saturday Sound, we're going to help soothe over your weekend with a nice little jam done with electric and acoustic guitars for the improvability. EAP Arbor video. Enjoy.

Improvability Arbor

Top Five Friday: Weapons 2.0

Hello, everyone, we hope your week went well! As North Korea has announced an artillery test along the coast and Tea Partiers have chuckled at a speaker's jab about hanging a current senator, the world is becoming a very scary place.

So we thought we'd make it less scary by replacing popular weapons with effective but not as violent counterparts.

Enjoy the Top 5 Friday

1.replace GUNS with... DANDELIONS



Who doesn't love shooting off a gun into the clear and peaceful morning? But this innocent activity is sullied by the violent past of gunfare. So we suggest that instead of popping a few caps after a stressful day, blow on a dandelion. Not only do you get the same "skeet-driven" rapid fire excitement, you're also teaching your kids the importance of reforestation. Plus, if you believe in faeries, you can make a wish every time you shoot off a few. Ever made a wish on a bullet? Didn't think so.

2.replace SWORDS with... LICORICE



Love stabbing at people with a rapier but hate the messy cleanup and legal ramifications? So do we. Instead of slashing at the problem with meticulous precision, we suggest filling your sheaths with licorice. Not only will you not break the skin of your opponent or unsuspecting victim, but you have a tasty treat that you both can share afterward.

3.replace GRENADES with... BISCUITS



Biscuits. Crumbly, crumbly biscuits. Not only do biscuits capture the best parts of grenades without the expense, biscuits surpass grenades in factors ranging from annoyance to difficulty when it comes time to clean up. What's more dangerous: a grenade in a car or an open box of biscuits. We'll let you be the judges.

Plus, who says "it's grenade time" or "it's time for grenade". No one. You'd sound like an idiot.

4.replace KNIVES with... NARWHALS



We know what you're thinking: "this whole blog post has been a joke about taking dangerous things and replacing them with less dangerous things. But narwhals are equally as dangerous, if not more". Well, loud thinker, we're being a bit sneaky with this one because yes, on average more people are killed due to narwhal related attacks than knife incidents BUT if we replaced all the knives in the world with narwhals, including kitchen knives and throwing knives, think about how marine life would become a major concern for the populous. You've heard the arguments before. "Why should we help the fishes, it's not like they help us". Well if we relied on marine life as much as we rely on knives, we bet that everyone, even the most doucebaggy of the teabaggers, would attend beach clean-ups.

5.replace BOMBS with... PILLOWS



This is by far the most obvious: replace bombs with pillows. But the positive-thinking-shrapnel isn't just limited to the lack of real-shrapnel. If all air bombers dropped pillows, the ground of war fields would be littered with pillows. And who has ever been able to have more than a pillow fight when the ground is carpeted in fluffy happiness.

Or ice cream. We wouldn't mind dropping ice cream.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

(a late) Three Paragraph Stories: Be Careful What You Wish For

John, Lucy and Morgan sat, bored might I add, on a lonely park bench in front of the local drug store, the only one, might I add, in the lonely, boring town of Passington, Iowa. Despite their adolescent hopes, nothing exciting ever happened to John, Lucy and Morgan until one day when the threesome approached the all too familiar bench and found a penny. And this penny, might I add, had Lincoln's glittering copper teeth face up.
Passington's large clock tower chimed 12 noon just as Lucy chuckled and announced that she was going to make a wish. She held her eyes closed and looked up to the sky. Well, it was more of the overhang that hovered above the drug store bench but none the less, Lucy pictured the white, fluffy clouds and wished aloud to be remembered in the Passington history books. Just then, a mysterious tub of ice cream fell upon Lucy's head as the photographer from the local newspaper was passing by. John laughed at Lucy and plucked the penny out of her hand. He proclaimed that his wish would be substantially more practical and he wished for a sum of money to just fall into his lap and for him to never worry about anyone taking it away from him. Suddenly, a sack with five hundred one dollar coins fell through the overhang onto John's lap. Later in life, Lucy's picture would be reprinted as a campaign for the drug store's new ice cream flavor, Lucy In The Sky with Almonds and John would find out that the incident with the coin bag would leave him sterile.
Morgan swelled with fear and, not wanting to offend the powers that governed the penny, Morgan wished for something safe. Instead of hoping for immortal fame or money, Morgan wished to be able to grant the wishes of others. Morgan's tightly clenched eyes opened to the sight of the drug store roof with a mysterious tub of ice cream and a hefty sack of coins sitting on the brick rim. Passington's large clock tower chimed 12 noon and Morgan could hear the echo of Lucy's aspiration for domestic fame. Morgan shrugged. "Be careful what you wish for."

Poetic Waste Wednesday: My Curdling Blood

My Curdling Blood

My curdling blood
At the sight of his face
My veins pump with motive
I'm stung by disgrace

My curdling blood
With him and his ilk
My curdling blood
Oh, wait, no, that's my milk!

Terribly Told Tuesdays: Menial Task

Monday Movies: A Haunting of Ex-Girlfriends

Politics, the human condition and a discourse on semiotics: not what you’d expect from a Mathew McConaughey film. But then again, when dealing with ghost films, what you expect is never what you get.

Loveable beach-bum Mathew McConaughey plays loveable suburban-bum Mathew McConahow, a 30-something bachelor who is still reeling from the loss of first (and up until now, only) girlfriend, Janet Walkin (played by Megan Fox). The film begins with McConahow and Walkin’s last date. They eat a nice Thai dinner, go out dancing, and go on a carriage ride. But the sweet moment turns sour when Walkin collapses into a vomit-induced coma. McConahow wakes in a cold sweat and we see how truly haunted our protagonist is.

“I wanted McConahow to be really traumatized, he is my allegory for our traumatized nation,” admits writer/director Steven Soderbergh as he sipped on his macchiato. “McConahow is our voice, one that howls in the night.”

McConahow deals with his loss by visiting Dr Lisa Madow (played by Jennifer Garner), together they work through the trauma and slowly form a romantic bond. Just as McConahow has found love again, we see Walkin’s ghastly image appear in a background mirror.

“It’s an argument against teleological history, you know,” chuckles McConaughey, also billed as executive producer. “Most horror films are cheap thrills, but we wanted to shake the foundation of American education. Janet represents a crisis, a human ‘death instinct’ if we’re going to go from the Freud angle, and she doesn’t appear in one point in history. She reoccurs, she is a continuous struggle. It’s pretty chill.”

Walkin doesn’t just return to peer menacingly, she is out to exact vengeance. After the usual floating vases and broken windows, Walkin reaches out from the mist and posses the body of Dr. Madow.

“It’s all about Lacan,” laughs Garner. “It’s about discovering past trauma and limit in a ‘big’ other, the other that Lacan puts a bar through. Lacan ascribes the bar through the other because for him it does not exist. We are not dealing with syntax and semiotics so instead of placing a bar through the other, we put a ghost in her.”

McConahow must make the ultimate decision that every love-struck bachelor must make at some point: keep the animated body of their lover despite his ex-girlfriend feeding off of her soul or banish both body and souls into the hellmouth.

“You think you know what’s coming but you don’t,” smiles Fox. “It’s very Foucault, in the sense of sentence syntax. You don’t know what the sentence’s context and content is until you get to the end. What’s the argument, what’s the meaning? You read ‘This Is Not A Pipe’? Well, this is not a horror film.”

A Haunting of Ex-Girlfriends is to premier in art-house cinemas around the nation in July.

“I’d d some reading before you see this film”, again chuckles McConaughey, “it’s gonna blow your dome.”

Sunday Funnies: Great Expectations

Welcome (back) To Daily TurnON Blog!

Hello, everyone! As you might have noticed if you frequent Daily TurnON Blog, we took a two week break starting at the beginning of February to build up a few projects for the blog. Just so you know, we are back for good and you can look forward to the normal stream of daily material.

Hope everyone's fortnight was pleasant and we can't wait to jump back into the swing of things.

We'd also like to send out a special congratulations to the two UCSB parties that were recognized in this year's SBIFF 10-10-10 competition this year. All of the films were astonishing, especially considering they were put together in the span of 10 days.

Three Paragraph Stories: Mary, Broken

We haven't yet hosted a three paragraph horror (unless you count the story of Job as one) so here is a very dark three paragraph story.

It took a lot to set Mary off. So when she woke up in her boyfriend's cramp bed and threw off the scratchy covers to check the time just to find out she was late for work, she was overall quite collected despite a mild headache. She tugged on her pants and pet her boyfriend's cat which purred in her hands. Then she pulled on her shoes and jostled downstairs to her car. At work her boss griped at her for arriving twenty minutes late. There was nothing Mary could do but nurse her temples and hope her headache would go away. She spent the day answering telephones as consumers called in to complain about their computer software until they realized their computers weren't plugged in to begin with. And she kept answering phones, tapping away at her sticky keyboard.The lights flickered and cast a disgusting light upon her wilting salad, but Mary maintained, holding the cold dressing against her forehead. And then a piece of paper arrived on her desk which would change everything. The paper was a completely normal report, normal font, normal size page, nothing was outside the ordinary except when Mary lifted the post-it that read "Read Me" on it, there was another, a completely unnecessary and wasted, post-it. And inexplicably, for reasons that will forever be unknown, Mary's headache went away. And she snapped.


She walked out of the office building with a keyboard drenched in red. The office guard followed the trail of crimson while screaming into his walkie talkie until he spotted Mary about to enter her car. He grabbed her shoulder and she spun around, digging her heel deep into this thigh. She dragged him down near the bottom of her car and before he could relieve his shock, she slammed the car door against his neck with such force that his entire body went limp. She climbed in and drove off without any destination in mind. After about three minutes of speeding down a street, she stopped and entered a liquor store, grabbing a bottle of wine and bludgeoning the cashier until she couldn't block the door anymore. Mary then tried uncorking the wine with her teeth and that didn't work, she smashed it against a brick wall and continued to sip at the jagged neck until she got back to her boyfriend's place. She sat down on his couch waiting for him to return and occupied her time thinking about how she was starving. Then she heard a purring sound from beneath the sofa.


When the trail of blood ended, splashes of wine lead police to Mary's boyfriend's apartment. They kicked down his door to find Mary chewing at a leg. She hissed at them and threw both the leg and the now empty bottle of wine at the police. They dodged the attack and followed Mary into the kitchen where she grabbed a knife and raced at the police who were forced to defend themselves. Mary fell to the floor with a sick grin on her face and she spent her last breath hissing at the officers. Her eyes went dark, darker than before at least, and Mary's arms stretched out across the floor. It took a lot to set Mary off, and no one will ever understand what made her break that day.

Terribly Told Videos Extended!

Hello, everyone! Due to... life, we are going to extend the deadline for the Terribly Told video contest to Feb. 15th

If you're confused about what we're talking about, be sure to visit:

http://dailyturnonblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/terribly-told-video-competition.html

Poetic Waste Wednesday: Summer Rain

Summer Rain

Pitter patter goes the rain
Onto my roof shingles
Drippy drop through the cracks
Splish sploshing down the walls
Plippity plot onto my floor
Aaaaand there goes my insurance money

Terribly Told Stories: Lost Puppy

Sorry to bring down the mood dudes but here's a terribly told story about a puppy.

Monday Movies: Dance, Singh!

Maninderpal "Manny" Singh (Shahrukh Khan) is your average Sikh culinary student. Manny goes to school, he plays cricket, and most importantly, he does not dance. But when the cutest girl at his university Mayree "Mary" Mangeshkar (Preeti Zinta) makes it to CCTV's "Best Dance Duo", Singh decides to put down his spatula and really heat things up. But Manny realizes he is in deeper than he thinks when he runs across Mary's father, the mafia boss Mohinderpratap Mangeshkar (Salman Khan), or as he is known in his crime circle, "Daddy Tapdat". Along side his estranged twin brother (Shahrukh Khan), Manny must stop Daddy Tapdat from turning the Best Dance Duo stage into a hostage situation and save Mary from her criminal father.

With a hit soundtrack from Oscar-winning composer A. R. Rahman, this film's contemporary cinematography, fast action and phat beatz will keep you on your feet all the way to the discos. You know what they say, if you can't handle the heat, get off the dance floor.

Sunday Funnies: Young At Heart

We've fixed our uploading issues and to celebrate, here's a fresh Motha Cuttas comic!

Saturday Sound: Whatever You Like

Sorry for the late Saturday Sound, everyone! Here is a cover of Anya Marina's cover of T.I.'s Whatever You Like. Enjoy!

Top Five Friday: Goodbye, Conan

As we're sure many of you know, after two decades of work with NBC, Conan O'Brien left the network due to some messy rescheduling issues. In reaction to this, this week's Top Five Friday was going to titled "Five Other NBC Shows that Jay Leno is Going to Try to Take Over". But as Conan was leaving, he delivered a farewell speech that spoke out against cynicism. Inspired by this, we deleted the old list and instead are saying goodbye to Conan by changing the list from a negative jab to a positive memory of O'Brien's work with NBC. So, after much delay, here's a list of five NBC shows Conan should have been a part of before leaving the network.

1.Chuck



Conan O'Brien joins the whimsical cast of Chuck as tech expert Dennis Lapman, the plucky head of Buy More who offers Chuck a promotion. As the season progresses, the protagonist is gutted between working for the CIA or keeping his tech job until Dennis reveals himself as an evil conspirator. Anything to get Conan in an eye patch.

2.The Apprentice



There's not too much to say here except: replace Donald Trump with Conan O'Brien without trying to make the switch too obvious.


3.Early Today



Conan would up the spice on the Early Today show by fitting segments of the masturbating bear and Pimpbot5000. The morning crowd may not be ready for his lanky antics but it'd sure wake them up.



4.Heroes



There is no choice but to cast O'Brien as Visor, a blood thirsty villain within the Heroes universe. Dressed in an ominous black sweatshirt and dark sunglasses, Visor would be shrouded in both mystery and cloth until the season finale when he would shed his clothes and blind the entire Bennet family. Visor would soon become an obsession for Sylar due to his inability to absorb Visor's power. Every time Sylar would try to cut his head open, his eyes would melt due to the pale power of Visor's forehead. NBC would then follow up the "Save the Cheerleader" and "Are You On The List" ad campaign with "Now You See Him, Now You Can't See". And then Conan would play Spock in the remake of the J.J. Abrams classic.


5.VeggieTales




And finally, the Tonight Show host would reach out to the real youth of America by lending his voice to COCO-nut, an offbeat and oddly named shallot that hangs out with the gang on their biblical adventurings. From the Ark to the battle with Goliath, COCO-nut would constantly break the fourth wall with witty remarks. The Parents Television Council would still complain about the lack of religious content but NBC would see a spike in stoner ratings.

Thank you for years of excellent late night entertainment, Conan.

Three Paragraph Thursdays: If It Isn't The Dogs, It's The People

Here's a three paragraph story to get you to the end of your week. Enjoy

If It Isn't The Dogs, It's The People

Margaret screamed for her life as she slammed the steel fence door behind and clutched her mailbag. Cold rain splashed onto her face as she sucked at the moist air, trying to slow her heartbeat. She lowered herself onto the wet cement and rested her back against the fence. The dog pounced onto the other side of the feeble wire wall and snarled loudly at her, trying to bite through the fence at Margaret's large neck. Puffs of heated breath pushed Margaret's sloppy hair onto her red face. As the dog continued to chew and bark, Margaret lowered her face into her hands and wept.
Everyday was like this. If it wasn't the dogs, it was the people. The teenagers would yip about how Margaret was huffing up and down the hilly neighborhood. The adults would look down at Margaret from their second stories, watching her cautiously as she placed their grocery coupons in the mail boxes. Then they'd close their curtains and howl menacingly about how she was losing her ankles. The old people would stand at their porches in the shade and snap and spit at Margaret for not lifting up her "chubby cheeks" to give them a smile. Margaret was the product of a country ashamed and embarrassed by its size so it had to make fun of others. And as the dog pounded its head into the fence, Margaret felt it. The anger and anguish, always from the other side of the fence. She kept crying.
But the sound of rhythmic splashing slowly crept into Margaret's ears. She looked up at a toddler in bright yellow boots making his way down the grey sidewalk. It took him a few minutes but he got to Margaret and looked down. The child was young and fresh looking aside from a small river running from his nose to his mouth, which pooled at a large chocolate chip cookie. He smiled and waved at Margaret who wiped the tears from her eyes and found herself smiling back. He pulled out another cookie from his pocket and held it out to Margaret. She laughed slightly and graciously accepted the gift. Then the name "Timothy" bellowed out from a nearby house and the boy continued to skip down the cement for a few feet until he arrived home. He turned back, waved goodbye to Margaret and disappeared. Margaret pocketed the cookie and pulled herself up. The clouds began to part as Margaret adjusted her mailbag. She looked at the dog just as it was about to bark at her once more and she barked back "DOWN!". It cowered against the grass and Margaret went on her way, humming to herself.

(a late) Poetic Waste Wednesday: Other Poets

Sorry for the delay, we promise it was worth the wait.

Other Poets

Other poets use words and rhyme
And rhythm and meter
All the time
As if the page was their theatre
They utilize words
To make them sound grand
To give them wings like birds
Well give them a hand
Well I'm not like other scribes
I'm quite unique


Because I end my stanzas half way through a rhyme scheme

Terribly Told Video Competition

There's no better time than today to announce the Terribly Told Video Competition!

If you're interested in digital video shorts, listen up:

Every month we will be hosting a video competition that asks you to take one aspect of movie making and do it badly. For example, if one month the topic is "special effects", you could use a painted watermelon as a head that explodes.

The best bad use of this aspect wins a special prize. Here are this month's rules:

1- the video must start with the line "There you are"
2- it must be 2 minutes or less
3- it has to have bad acting

Bad acting means that the actors make terrible emotional choices and must have inappropriate reactions as well as bad timing

To submit your video, upload it to youtube and email the link to Omar.Najam@gmail.com by January 30th. All posts will be uploaded on the 31st and the winner will be announced on the same day.

If you have any questions, feel free to email us. Best of luck with your Terribly Told video!

Terribly Told Stories: Mah Day

Here's a little Terribly Told throwback.

Movie Mondays: Operation

Lion’s Gate Plays More Mind Games


Yesterday, Lion’s Gate announced that they are reviving an old classic, the board game Operation. But this film is by no means child friendly.

Operation is set to shoot in June but the production company is already releasing information regarding the script. Screenwriter Leigh Whinnel seemed to take great joy in dashing out the grim details.

“We, and by we, I mean me, wanted to keep the feel of the original game,” explained Whinnel. “When Lion’s Gate came to us with the idea, and by us, I mean me, I called up [James] Wan and was like ‘hey, wanna make another [explicit]-ed up movie?’ And he was like ‘[explicit] yeah!’”

Director James Wan, infamous for initating the Saw series, was also at yesterday’s panel.

“Leigh and I got thinking and we decided to go all out. We want to surprised you,” smiled Wan. “This film is going to be messed up. It’s going to be three levels above that! And then more!”

Both Leigh and Wan cut the build up and let the information bleed out onto the press. The film is to star Leigh Whinnel and Cary Elwes, the stars from the original Saw film, as they wake in an abandoned room with a board game between them. As their eyes settle, they realize the board game is, you guessed it, Operation. A mysterious voice appears in the room and instructs them to operate on the board game, but as they operate, all of their surgical mistakes will happen onto real people in other rooms.

“We want to return to the philosophy of the first Saw movie,” spoke Wan. “Watching people get killed so someone else can live is difficult for our characters. Now its our audience’s turn, it’s going to be dramatic irony to the max!”

Our two protagonists continue to remove buckets and horseshoes from the board game until Elwes’ character just cant take it anymore. He refuses to remove any more body parts from real people and the mysterious voice conducts a montage of torture scenes, warning of what happened to those that did not play.

“It’s gonna be big,” laughed Whinnel, “uh… spines exploding and legs flying off and acid and we’ve even, and by we I mean myself, thought of one scene where a guy drinks a ton of milk in a hot room and it curdles and he dies as a big piece of cheese.”

Lion’s Gate made the big surprise by beating the bloggers to the big reveal.

“You find out at the end,” grins Wan, “that they have been operating on themselves this whole time! Oh god, it’s gonna be soo good!”

Operation is scheduled to shoot this summer and will be released Thanksgiving, 2010.

Sunday Funnies: Peron on Patron

Happy Sunday everyone! If you're in California, it's most likely pretty rainy. If you're not in California, well... we hope you enjoy today's comic. Starting next week, we will be only scanning images rather than photographing them and touching them up afterward so look forward to some fancy jpeg-ness.

As for this week:

















Have a great week, everyone

Saturday Sound: Hooray! Films

After a few hours of researching how to stream an .m3u file through this blog, here is an old episode of 'Hooray! Films' that Evan Koehne, Steven Ray Morris, Sean Kelly, Omar Najam and Ben Margalith put together for their proposed weekly podcast. Unfortunately, life happened and the weekly portion of the weekly podcast didn't quite flourish.

Evan went on to be a Georgian lawyer that settled land disputes. Steven went on to study medicine and opened a small clinic for special needs patients in the bay area. Sean went on to graduate school, got a PhD in Iberian studies and later moved to Spain. Omar went on to create a blog. And Ben moved out east to New Hampshire where he repaired motor bikes during the day and at night would stare up at the stars, feeling like he was meant for something greater.

Enjoy Hooray! Films!

Hooray! Films

And if that link doesn't work...

Hooray! Films

Top Five Friday: Ways to Boost "not-so-popular" European Countries

Between ground breaking dramas like BBC's Skins and ground breaking last names like Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Europe has never been more newsworthy than right now. Ever.

But not every European country is making headlines these days. And today's Top Five Friday is going to help. After a close study of how the celebrity European countries have made a public name for themselves, here are ways to boost the popularity of five not-so-popular European countries.

1.Ukraine



Though Ukraine is by no means a mystery to anyone who has seen a map, the history-rich country lacks an image. We suggest taking a nod from France and creating a large symbol of Ukraine's ingenuity to be built in the middle of Kyiv. But why stop at just being inspired by the Eiffel Tower? Why not celebrate Ukraine's industrial background by BEATING France's phallic wonder by building a crane that stretches 325 meters into the air, glaring down at the puny franco-fail with its extra meter. This crane would be referred to as "the Ukraine Crane". We acknowledge that the Ukraine Crane probably wouldn't translate well into the native language but you gotta make money to make money.


2.Slovenia



During the Roman empire, Slovenia was the place to be. But time has taken its toll and you'll be hard pressed to not refer to the seven stanzas of Zdravljica in the center of Ljubljana as "so yesterday". To leap into the modern era, Slovenia should pull England's card and build a towering tourist attraction. And they should slap their name on it, like London did with the London Eye. Taking from this model, Slovenia should construct a vista-inspired wheel in the Julian Alps that looks over the gorgeous valleys. This wheel would be deemed the Slovenia Eye or the "Slo-Eye". It might be a bit garish to ruin the natural beauty with a hunk of rotating metal but you have to crack a couple of eggs to make lemonade.


3.Luxembourg



Luxembourg's popularity can be increased by 500% overnight by taking the Irish route: associate your culture with an element of good virtue, such as good luck. But to do one better than Ireland, Luxembourg should sell itself as a large aphrodisiac. If the Grand Duke institutes this campaign, not only would visitors rush to receive the good will of the land but local stores will flourish with business if they sell shirts that have saying such as "I got Luxy in Luxembourg" or "If I'm Okay in Bed, I'm a Lord in Luxembourg". The country could also create their own Blarney stone for tourists to smooch but the shape would be more adult than just a rock. Yes, it is not exactly kid friendly but the early worm gets all the lux.


4.Liechtenstein



As far as the public is concerned, Germany has spent the last few years in the Black Forest but recently, the proud country has pounced back into the limelight by warning the citizens not to use Internet Explorer due to "critical" flaws that allow for 'cyber hacking'. Instead of following in the footsteps of Germany, Liechtenstein should actually create a critically flawed internet browser that allows Liechtenstein to gain full access to users' information. And when users try to uninstall this program, the screen will go black and a bossy European voice will boom "Quit being such a little Liecht." Sure, it's a tad evil but a bird in the hand is worth not counting your chickens.

5.Herzegovina




And finally, Herzegovina.

If we said "Bosnia", you'd probably reply with "oh, that chap that hangs out with Croatia and Montenegro?" But if we asked about "Herzegovina", you'd most likely ask "who?!" Who... now that sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, Herzegovina should sponsor a science fiction action hero called 'Doctor Herzegovina', South-East Europe's version of the BBC icon Doctor Who. Doctor Herzegovina can embody everything to do with the Time Lord including a mysterious history and a name hidden from the public. Also Bosnia can be Doctor Herzegovina's companion. Kids will rush to toy stores to get their Doctor Herzegovina action figures and trading cards and might even dress up as Doctor Herzegovina with a trench coat, black spectacles, Converse shoes and long rolling green hills. And plus, at the end of season three of Doctor Herzegovina, they can even have the return of the Mostar, Doctor Herzegovina's arch nemesis and also unofficial capital of the country. Herzegovina is bound to be an absolute cult hit as countries go and us in the U.S. just can't wait till Herzegovina makes its way to our PBS. It is a bit hackey to base an entire country off of one television show but a stitch in time saves pennies in spades for a rainy day with a silver spoon in its mouth and Bob's your uncle.

Ugh, now it's time to get some sleep.

Have a great weekend!

(a late) Three Paragraph Stories: The F Bomb

Hello everyone! Hope your weekend is going well. Sorry for the late posts but due to some technical difficulties (and the nature of daily blogs) Thursday and Friday's posts are being uploaded today. Thursday's three paragraph story is from the very talented Mia Resella. Enjoy

The F Bomb

Richard never considered himself very good at one particular thing. He always thought of himself as a sort of temp... a permanent temp. He would never have taken this job, if it weren't for her. I mean, how hard could it be? It's all diagrams in books. He had been an electronics inspector before. Worked in a science lab. Been a mechanic. It seemed like all of those things, in that he would do what he was told. And now, here he was, diffusing a bomb. Bother.

At least she was here. She was Suzie Brink, a young and hip lab assistant who was a thousand times his superior. Well, maybe it wasn't such a good thing, since if he were to make a mistake she'd surely perish. But he was grateful nonetheless. "Richard," she said. He didn't know she knew his name. His hands were clammy but his heart leapt over skyscrapers. "You can do this," she said, as calmly as possible, but sweat was dripping from her brow. Dr. Jenkins, too, was sweating, clenching his lab coat nervously. "Come on, Richard, you're the expert!" he barked. "Not helping, Jenkins," Suzie snapped back. Sparks flew from the ceiling; at any moment it would collapse.

Concentrate, Richard thought. Just concentrate. Red wire. Blue wire. Er...Green wire? Richard suddenly became anxious that he had never taken a colorblindness test. But he glanced over at Suzie and felt a wave of relief and self-respect. Her smile propelled him forward. It promised faith and hope. He closed his eyes and snipped at a wire. He and Suzie and Dr. Jenkins waited with baited breath. A moment passed. Richard grinned and sighed in relief. "Suzie--" he started to say with a newfound confidence. "What's that beeping?" she interrupted. It was the bomb. It began flashing and beeping maniacally and, quite frankly, it didn't sound good. Richard looked at Suzie. Suzie looked at Richard. They both looked at Dr. Jenkins. "Fuck."

Poetic Waste Wednesdays: The Evil Inside Me

The Evil Inside Me

The evil inside me
It howls in the night
And scratches at the walls
It makes the paint peel
It thickens the blood
It screams like a banshee
It screams "I liked Spiderman 3!"
Cause I did
I didn't think it was that bad
It was a good character study
The evil inside me

Terribly Told Tuesdays: Man-of-War

If you're a fan of deep, philosophical comics like Watchmen, V for Vendetta and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen the movie, you're going to love Man-of-War

Monday Movies: The Atheist

Tagline: He only believes in one thing. Corrupting your family.

Summary: Hollywood producer David Goldstein (Tom Cruise) has a dark secret, he is the son of the devil. In between attending Mosque and reading Richard Dawkins books, he's building a homosexual army armed with electronic cell phones to take down God and bring his father back into power to settle a gambling debt. Our fate rests in the hands of one family- Father Sheppard (Mel Gibson), Joanna Sheppard (Reese Witherspoon) and their 17 children.

Visionary director Jebediah Archibald the 5th brings you this chilling tale of brutal violence, liberal mentality and disbelief. The final chapter of his "What to tell your children to be afraid of" trilogy, The Atheist is a perfect follow up to Barn Doors Left Open.

The Atheist is an instant horror classic. This film will make you believe.

Sunday Bonus: Bros

We just wanted to throw up the comedy-child of some of the most brilliant comedians ever. Bros.





Chill

Sunday Funnies: Paranormal Ducktivity

Hope everyone's weekend is going well! Here's a comic strip (read vertically) to help you along with your day of rest. It's rather silly but if you've seen Paranormal Activity, you might enjoy it.

Saturday Sound: When The Roses Bloom Again

Hope your weekend is going well, here's a cover of Billy Bragg and Wilco's When The Roses Bloom Again

Top Five Friday: 5 Films Rewritten By Playwrights

Happy end of the week everyone! Here are five popular movies seen through the theatrical lens of the playwright:

1.Jaws by Federico Garcia Lorca



We all know the infamous tale of Brody, Hooper and Quint's quest to put to death the natural terrorist known as "the shark". But through the eyes of the Spanish poet, the shark would be seen as a majestic creature, injured off the Atlantic coast, trapped by its beauty amongst the jealous sea creatures. As the film progresses, the shark comes to terms with its injury and swims towards the coast, breaking the heart of a sea otter. Finally the shark is free from the judgmental society of the sea creatures and leaps into the air, embracing her independence. And then a spear flies through the shark, killing her on spot. Because life isn't fair.

2.Cheaper by the Dozen by Henrick Ibsen



Few can forget the heart warming tale of Steve Martin's character Tom Baker becoming the father everyone knows he is as his family of 12 moves from rural somewhere to urban somewhere. And surprisingly, Ibsen's version would be quite similar except that all the children would have some sort of social disorder. Wife Kate Baker would feel trapped by her large family and domineering husband, Tom would be undergoing masculinity issues and Lorraine Baker (played by the up and coming Hilary Duff) would be hiding a duck in the attic that she eventually dies trying to protect. The family would come together over the loss of one of their dozen but just when the family decides to celebrate Lorraine's life by all doing the tarantella and eating macaroons, a letter arrives from a distant relative explaining that Tom has lost all of his money and the family must sell their house and move into a shelter. Because no one is innocent.

3.Wild Hogs by Tennesse Williams



Oh the antics of Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence and... um... William H. Macy? What's the lead of Fargo doing in this movie? See, if Williams had his way, the movie wouldn't be about a fun motorcycle road trip, it would be about each character's individual struggles. Tim Allen is a bored southern belle who collects glass figurines of pigs. John Travolta is a Polish immigrant pushed out of his sense of the world by his wife's sister. Martin Lawrence is a man emerging from poverty that has married into a rich southern family but feels unfulfilled by his new life. And William H. Macy steals the film as his portrayal of the "mad heroine" in this piece, wanting to return home to his beloved while the other characters are using the motorcycle ride to run away from their problems. At the end of the film, someone opens up Macy's bag to reveal that all the love letters that keep reminding Macy of home are all fake. The only happy character in the film has been living a lie this whole time. Because life is a lie.

4.Liar Liar by Arthur Miller



In the hands of Arthur Miller, Liar Liar would be the tale of a proud lawyer who feels that his sense of American is disappearing, which is symbolized in the beginning of the play as tax collector asks protagonist Fletcher Reede for his middle name. Reede's middle name, an effeminate middle name, is a word of shame for Reede and he refuses to divulge that information. In order to return to his sense of America, Reede declares that he will never say an untrue word again. Days later, government agents arrive at his house and ask him if he knows of any illegal immigrants or communists in his neighborhood. Reede turns in half the neighborhood. Disgusted, his wife Audrey leaves him, along with his son. Left alone in the house, Reede starts to lose his mind. The tax collector returns from the beginning and asks again what Reed's middle name is. Again, Reede refuses to answer and cops pull up outside, all demanding the information. The tax collector asks why Reede will not divulge and Reede screams "BECAUSE IT'S MY MIDDLE NAME!" as he is shot by cops. Because the American dream is dead.

5. Next by Samuel Beckett



Surprisingly, avant-garde playwright Samuel Beckett wouldn't change a thing about the movie. In fact, the sheer lack of logic in the film plays right into Beckett's style. Nicolas Cage would still play Frank Cadillac, a kinda-psychic that sees two minutes into the future and instead of making lots of money or advancing science, he does shit magic tricks in Vegas. Half way through the film, you realize that his name, Frank Cadillac, is just a collection of cultural references (Frankenstein + Cadillac cars) and inexplicably he changes his name. The film would go on with very little causal structure, the role of Cadillac's powers would without notice become either stronger and weaker and at the very end of the film you realize that everything you were watching was pointless and never actually happened. Because... actually no one but Samuel Beckett knows why the film ends like this.

All things considered though, it's still a bit more uplifting than the other ones!


Have a great weekend, everyone!

Three Paragraph Thursdays: The Story of Job

Hello and welcome to Three Paragraph Thursdays: short prose told in three paragraphs. To start us off is the brilliant Ben Margalith's three paragraph version of one of the most famous con story of all time: the Story of Job. Enjoy the rest of your week!

Ok, so: God is omnipotent and has already created the world. One day the devil comes to him and says, “Hey God! I bet you that if you take your most loyal and faithful servant and shit on him (like hardcore) then he’d hate you”. God, a well known gambling addict, couldn’t resist taking the bet. He quickly replies “Maybe he will and maybe he won’t, but fuck it you’re on! So who’s the mark?”

So God starts to mess with Job, his- like “number one fan or something”. He kills Jobs wife and disfigures Job’s body so much that the mere sight of him make people’s faces explode or something. Sometime post-wife dying, but preface exploding, Job looks to the heavens and says “God, I don’t know why this is happening, but my faith is strong. I love you man!” The Devil just about shits himself (half in anger and half because of little known incontinence problem). He convinces God that Job needs to suffer some more. So God, on the sly, murders Job’s kids and destroys his business. But, instead of crying and cursing, Job just gets like a big ol’ boner for the child murdering God of Abraham.

God sees Job’s faith and basically gives him an updated version of his old life complete with a Jet-Pack and Jacuzzi. God tells the Devil, “There, see! I think I proved my point quite well”. The Devil answers “I guess so… uh… what point was that again?” God shrugs and replies “No clue, but want to huff some glue”. We learned later that God had suffered a stroke sometime after the parting of the red sea. True Story.

The End

Poetic Waste Wednesday: The Grapes

Hello and welcome to Poetic Waste Wednesdays. We'll be doing some mock-poetry on Wednesdays so enjoy! As for this week, here's a little verse about New Year's celebrations.

The Grapes

Ah the fermented grapes
The sweet and tart wafting smell
Crimson river like liquid blood drapes
From Dionysus' cup fell

It clings to the carpet like habit
Aphrodite's lustful dress
With a moist towel I dab at it
And that's how you clean up the mess!

Or you can use baking soda
Or pour salt onto the stain
I saw it on last week's Operah
Just don't spill my wine again
Asshole

Terribly Told Tuesdays: The Movie Pitch

Hello and welcome to Terribly Told Tuesdays! This segment will have weekly video-blog posts from the Terribly Told story teller whose facial hair and backgrounds will change quite drastically from week to week. Enjoy!



Next week: The Terribly Told story teller's big comic idea "The Man Of War"

Movie Mondays: LOST the Musical

Welcome to Movie Mondays where we post up posters of movies that we hope will never exist. Just to get started and to celebrate LOST's last season, here's a little diddy that should never cross J.J. Abrams' mind.



This weekend, theatres across America are going to get LOST. LOST: The Musical that is. In this Rodgers and Hammerstein reproduction of the popular ABC series, Doctor Jack, outcast Sawyer and cutie Kate will not be the only ones stirring up drama.

"We always wanted LOST to be a musical, it just made sense to us," comments show conductor J.J. Abrams, "but the conventions of television just don't allow for that kinda thing. It is such a joy to see the story come to life the way we originally imagined it."

"A lot of people have come up to me and said 'LOST the musical?! Really?!?' and I would just say 'yeah, really'", laughs show producer Damon Lindelof, "everyone is extremely excited about this."

The production is to run about 2 hours with one 15 minute intermission during which the bigger theatres plan on selling LOST paraphernalia.

"We're going to sell little Dharma cookies with the Dharma symbol on them", chuckles Chuck Willstof, manager of the Napa Valley Opera House. "And we are going to sell bottled water we say came from a waterfall up the hill. Haha, but no, it's just bottled water."

Bloggers and theatre patrons alike are already buzzing about the production. Songs such as "What's In The Hatch", "Lock's Got Legs" and "The Theme of the Smoke Monster" are already best selling singles on iTunes, and the show stopper "We Have To Go Back, Kate" is the newest radio sensation.

But is the play a hit with die hard fans or is it just a plane crash waiting to happen?

"I'm a huge fan of the show and I was a little uncertain about seeing it on stage", comments Carl Whitenose, a devoted fan that attended a sneak preview of the play through a contest the show hosted that had viewers allocate meaning to Jack's tattoos. "But they really got us in the spirit. It was all dark in the beginning and they had us count down and so everyone was like " 42! 23! 16! 15! 8!!' and by '4' people were screaming and standing up and cheering and crying!!"

"I was blown away!" gasped another fan, Josh Willaby, directly after the sneak preview, "man, that was so freaking cool! They did everything right, even the title coming at you, they did it all! It even got blurry and clear at the right moments!"

With fan enthusiasm fanning the build-up flame, LOST: The Musical's opening night is bound to be explosive. But the theatre production has a bigger role than just entertainment.

"Since this is how we originally wrote it, the show is finally going to make sense after seeing it done this way," laughs Abrams. Just before the show runner left, he left us one clue as to LOST's future.

"And I don't want to give too much away buuuuttt....who knows, if this works out, maybe we'll do an ice show."

You can get LOST in LOST: The Musical at your local theatres starting July 15th. For tickets, contact your local ticket master.

(a late) Sunday Funnies: Burn, Baby, Burn

Hello everyone, welcome to the first official week of the new year! For Sunday Funnies we'll be following the tradition of Sunday morning comics. There was a slight issue with the scanner because we're trying out different formats and mediums for the comic strips. This week is done with post-its and hopefully you can read it. Next week we are going to start scanning the comic strips in so if all goes well, they'll be a bit clearer. Anyhow, enjoy this topical post-2009 comic strip and have a great week!

Saturday Sound: Kids cover

Hello everyone, hope your new year is going well thus far! For future Saturday Sounds we are hoping to put together covers, interviews and short story readings so stay tuned! As for this Saturday, here's a video of the Accountants covering MGMT's Kids.



Have a great weekend, everyone!