Top Five Friday: Weapons 2.0

Hello, everyone, we hope your week went well! As North Korea has announced an artillery test along the coast and Tea Partiers have chuckled at a speaker's jab about hanging a current senator, the world is becoming a very scary place.

So we thought we'd make it less scary by replacing popular weapons with effective but not as violent counterparts.

Enjoy the Top 5 Friday

1.replace GUNS with... DANDELIONS



Who doesn't love shooting off a gun into the clear and peaceful morning? But this innocent activity is sullied by the violent past of gunfare. So we suggest that instead of popping a few caps after a stressful day, blow on a dandelion. Not only do you get the same "skeet-driven" rapid fire excitement, you're also teaching your kids the importance of reforestation. Plus, if you believe in faeries, you can make a wish every time you shoot off a few. Ever made a wish on a bullet? Didn't think so.

2.replace SWORDS with... LICORICE



Love stabbing at people with a rapier but hate the messy cleanup and legal ramifications? So do we. Instead of slashing at the problem with meticulous precision, we suggest filling your sheaths with licorice. Not only will you not break the skin of your opponent or unsuspecting victim, but you have a tasty treat that you both can share afterward.

3.replace GRENADES with... BISCUITS



Biscuits. Crumbly, crumbly biscuits. Not only do biscuits capture the best parts of grenades without the expense, biscuits surpass grenades in factors ranging from annoyance to difficulty when it comes time to clean up. What's more dangerous: a grenade in a car or an open box of biscuits. We'll let you be the judges.

Plus, who says "it's grenade time" or "it's time for grenade". No one. You'd sound like an idiot.

4.replace KNIVES with... NARWHALS



We know what you're thinking: "this whole blog post has been a joke about taking dangerous things and replacing them with less dangerous things. But narwhals are equally as dangerous, if not more". Well, loud thinker, we're being a bit sneaky with this one because yes, on average more people are killed due to narwhal related attacks than knife incidents BUT if we replaced all the knives in the world with narwhals, including kitchen knives and throwing knives, think about how marine life would become a major concern for the populous. You've heard the arguments before. "Why should we help the fishes, it's not like they help us". Well if we relied on marine life as much as we rely on knives, we bet that everyone, even the most doucebaggy of the teabaggers, would attend beach clean-ups.

5.replace BOMBS with... PILLOWS



This is by far the most obvious: replace bombs with pillows. But the positive-thinking-shrapnel isn't just limited to the lack of real-shrapnel. If all air bombers dropped pillows, the ground of war fields would be littered with pillows. And who has ever been able to have more than a pillow fight when the ground is carpeted in fluffy happiness.

Or ice cream. We wouldn't mind dropping ice cream.

Have a great weekend, everyone!