Friday, February 19, 2010
(an early) Saturday Sound: Arbor Guitar Tracks
This Saturday Sound, we're going to help soothe over your weekend with a nice little jam done with electric and acoustic guitars for the improvability. EAP Arbor video. Enjoy.
Improvability Arbor
Top Five Friday: Weapons 2.0
Hello, everyone, we hope your week went well! As North Korea has announced an artillery test along the coast and Tea Partiers have chuckled at a speaker's jab about hanging a current senator, the world is becoming a very scary place.
So we thought we'd make it less scary by replacing popular weapons with effective but not as violent counterparts.
Enjoy the Top 5 Friday
1.replace GUNS with... DANDELIONS
Who doesn't love shooting off a gun into the clear and peaceful morning? But this innocent activity is sullied by the violent past of gunfare. So we suggest that instead of popping a few caps after a stressful day, blow on a dandelion. Not only do you get the same "skeet-driven" rapid fire excitement, you're also teaching your kids the importance of reforestation. Plus, if you believe in faeries, you can make a wish every time you shoot off a few. Ever made a wish on a bullet? Didn't think so.
2.replace SWORDS with... LICORICE
Love stabbing at people with a rapier but hate the messy cleanup and legal ramifications? So do we. Instead of slashing at the problem with meticulous precision, we suggest filling your sheaths with licorice. Not only will you not break the skin of your opponent or unsuspecting victim, but you have a tasty treat that you both can share afterward.
3.replace GRENADES with... BISCUITS
Biscuits. Crumbly, crumbly biscuits. Not only do biscuits capture the best parts of grenades without the expense, biscuits surpass grenades in factors ranging from annoyance to difficulty when it comes time to clean up. What's more dangerous: a grenade in a car or an open box of biscuits. We'll let you be the judges.
Plus, who says "it's grenade time" or "it's time for grenade". No one. You'd sound like an idiot.
4.replace KNIVES with... NARWHALS
We know what you're thinking: "this whole blog post has been a joke about taking dangerous things and replacing them with less dangerous things. But narwhals are equally as dangerous, if not more". Well, loud thinker, we're being a bit sneaky with this one because yes, on average more people are killed due to narwhal related attacks than knife incidents BUT if we replaced all the knives in the world with narwhals, including kitchen knives and throwing knives, think about how marine life would become a major concern for the populous. You've heard the arguments before. "Why should we help the fishes, it's not like they help us". Well if we relied on marine life as much as we rely on knives, we bet that everyone, even the most doucebaggy of the teabaggers, would attend beach clean-ups.
5.replace BOMBS with... PILLOWS
This is by far the most obvious: replace bombs with pillows. But the positive-thinking-shrapnel isn't just limited to the lack of real-shrapnel. If all air bombers dropped pillows, the ground of war fields would be littered with pillows. And who has ever been able to have more than a pillow fight when the ground is carpeted in fluffy happiness.
Or ice cream. We wouldn't mind dropping ice cream.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
So we thought we'd make it less scary by replacing popular weapons with effective but not as violent counterparts.
Enjoy the Top 5 Friday
1.replace GUNS with... DANDELIONS
Who doesn't love shooting off a gun into the clear and peaceful morning? But this innocent activity is sullied by the violent past of gunfare. So we suggest that instead of popping a few caps after a stressful day, blow on a dandelion. Not only do you get the same "skeet-driven" rapid fire excitement, you're also teaching your kids the importance of reforestation. Plus, if you believe in faeries, you can make a wish every time you shoot off a few. Ever made a wish on a bullet? Didn't think so.
2.replace SWORDS with... LICORICE
Love stabbing at people with a rapier but hate the messy cleanup and legal ramifications? So do we. Instead of slashing at the problem with meticulous precision, we suggest filling your sheaths with licorice. Not only will you not break the skin of your opponent or unsuspecting victim, but you have a tasty treat that you both can share afterward.
3.replace GRENADES with... BISCUITS
Biscuits. Crumbly, crumbly biscuits. Not only do biscuits capture the best parts of grenades without the expense, biscuits surpass grenades in factors ranging from annoyance to difficulty when it comes time to clean up. What's more dangerous: a grenade in a car or an open box of biscuits. We'll let you be the judges.
Plus, who says "it's grenade time" or "it's time for grenade". No one. You'd sound like an idiot.
4.replace KNIVES with... NARWHALS
We know what you're thinking: "this whole blog post has been a joke about taking dangerous things and replacing them with less dangerous things. But narwhals are equally as dangerous, if not more". Well, loud thinker, we're being a bit sneaky with this one because yes, on average more people are killed due to narwhal related attacks than knife incidents BUT if we replaced all the knives in the world with narwhals, including kitchen knives and throwing knives, think about how marine life would become a major concern for the populous. You've heard the arguments before. "Why should we help the fishes, it's not like they help us". Well if we relied on marine life as much as we rely on knives, we bet that everyone, even the most doucebaggy of the teabaggers, would attend beach clean-ups.
5.replace BOMBS with... PILLOWS
This is by far the most obvious: replace bombs with pillows. But the positive-thinking-shrapnel isn't just limited to the lack of real-shrapnel. If all air bombers dropped pillows, the ground of war fields would be littered with pillows. And who has ever been able to have more than a pillow fight when the ground is carpeted in fluffy happiness.
Or ice cream. We wouldn't mind dropping ice cream.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
(a late) Three Paragraph Stories: Be Careful What You Wish For
John, Lucy and Morgan sat, bored might I add, on a lonely park bench in front of the local drug store, the only one, might I add, in the lonely, boring town of Passington, Iowa. Despite their adolescent hopes, nothing exciting ever happened to John, Lucy and Morgan until one day when the threesome approached the all too familiar bench and found a penny. And this penny, might I add, had Lincoln's glittering copper teeth face up.
Passington's large clock tower chimed 12 noon just as Lucy chuckled and announced that she was going to make a wish. She held her eyes closed and looked up to the sky. Well, it was more of the overhang that hovered above the drug store bench but none the less, Lucy pictured the white, fluffy clouds and wished aloud to be remembered in the Passington history books. Just then, a mysterious tub of ice cream fell upon Lucy's head as the photographer from the local newspaper was passing by. John laughed at Lucy and plucked the penny out of her hand. He proclaimed that his wish would be substantially more practical and he wished for a sum of money to just fall into his lap and for him to never worry about anyone taking it away from him. Suddenly, a sack with five hundred one dollar coins fell through the overhang onto John's lap. Later in life, Lucy's picture would be reprinted as a campaign for the drug store's new ice cream flavor, Lucy In The Sky with Almonds and John would find out that the incident with the coin bag would leave him sterile.
Morgan swelled with fear and, not wanting to offend the powers that governed the penny, Morgan wished for something safe. Instead of hoping for immortal fame or money, Morgan wished to be able to grant the wishes of others. Morgan's tightly clenched eyes opened to the sight of the drug store roof with a mysterious tub of ice cream and a hefty sack of coins sitting on the brick rim. Passington's large clock tower chimed 12 noon and Morgan could hear the echo of Lucy's aspiration for domestic fame. Morgan shrugged. "Be careful what you wish for."
Passington's large clock tower chimed 12 noon just as Lucy chuckled and announced that she was going to make a wish. She held her eyes closed and looked up to the sky. Well, it was more of the overhang that hovered above the drug store bench but none the less, Lucy pictured the white, fluffy clouds and wished aloud to be remembered in the Passington history books. Just then, a mysterious tub of ice cream fell upon Lucy's head as the photographer from the local newspaper was passing by. John laughed at Lucy and plucked the penny out of her hand. He proclaimed that his wish would be substantially more practical and he wished for a sum of money to just fall into his lap and for him to never worry about anyone taking it away from him. Suddenly, a sack with five hundred one dollar coins fell through the overhang onto John's lap. Later in life, Lucy's picture would be reprinted as a campaign for the drug store's new ice cream flavor, Lucy In The Sky with Almonds and John would find out that the incident with the coin bag would leave him sterile.
Morgan swelled with fear and, not wanting to offend the powers that governed the penny, Morgan wished for something safe. Instead of hoping for immortal fame or money, Morgan wished to be able to grant the wishes of others. Morgan's tightly clenched eyes opened to the sight of the drug store roof with a mysterious tub of ice cream and a hefty sack of coins sitting on the brick rim. Passington's large clock tower chimed 12 noon and Morgan could hear the echo of Lucy's aspiration for domestic fame. Morgan shrugged. "Be careful what you wish for."
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Poetic Waste Wednesday: My Curdling Blood
My Curdling Blood
My curdling blood
At the sight of his face
My veins pump with motive
I'm stung by disgrace
My curdling blood
With him and his ilk
My curdling blood
Oh, wait, no, that's my milk!
My curdling blood
At the sight of his face
My veins pump with motive
I'm stung by disgrace
My curdling blood
With him and his ilk
My curdling blood
Oh, wait, no, that's my milk!
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